OK. Fine. I’ll admit it.
While I am a Midwest girl born and raised, I have lived in either Arizona or Florida for the last 18 1/2 years and…
MY BLOOD HAS THINNED OUT, PEOPLE!
Yes, go ahead and gloat all you want my loved ones from the frozen north. Laugh about your poor, poor pitiful friend suffering down here in (usually) sunny Florida as she complains about her current situation in life. I promise that you won’t be laughing at me. Because I’m laughing right along with you! Laughing heartily through tears that are currently freezing to my cheeks because, people…
I remember deep winter mornings in Illinois when I was a kid. I would come down the stairs to find that Mom would already be in the kitchen with the gas oven on and the door propped open, trying to reinforce our overworked furnace. That same kitchen would be home to scarves, gloves and socks strewn all over the vents so we could warm them up before wearing them out into the bitter cold. Of course, those days were better than the mornings the furnace would’ve gone out completely!
In high school, I had to learn lots of new skills. From layering clothes for going in and out of heated buildings to the different things to think about when driving in snow and ice.
Then, when I was in college, there were winter mornings that I had to use my student ID or my Amoco gas card to chip away ice from the keyhole in my car door. I’d stand in the parking lot wrapped in scarves, coat, hat, and boots, all the while, cursing myself that I had forgotten my super-mega ice scraper in the car overnight. Yes, I actually owned and wore snow boots! Shoot, I actually owned a super-mega ice scraper!
Yep, I actually had and used all of the accoutrements associated with winter. Temperatures in the 20s and teens were pretty much a given in January and February. Not so, anymore! We live in Florida, after all!
The Baked Potato Effect
After Greg and I got married and moved out to Arizona, we suffered in the heat for 10 months out of the year. Well, I say “we suffered.” Really, I suffered and he thrived. See, I hate the heat. Summer clothes are stupid and I can’t stand to sweat just because I happen to be standing outside. Him, though? He’ll take heat over cold any day. Maybe that’s why we never moved back to the Midwest? Anyway, I digress.
So, yes. We lived in Arizona where the only seasons are HOT and REALLY HOT and MONSOON (I’m not even kidding about that last part, just look it up). When we would go back home for Christmas, though, we never really felt that cold! It didn’t matter than one year we got completely snowed in. We just weren’t cold. Greg called it the “baked potato effect” in that we must’ve been cooked like baked potatoes out in Tucson and had managed to retain our heat despite the chill of our surroundings. Made sense to me!
However, I have come to find out that the BPE, if you will, has an expiration date. Turns out, 18 years is about all you get before cold is just plain cold. Not only that, but your threshold for what you consider to be cold is significantly altered.
Because you see Leo DeCaprio, here? Yep. This is me now. As shameful as it is, it’s the truth.
I’m Wussy and I Know It
As anyone with a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account could tell you, this crazy cold snap that has hit the eastern half of the country is all anyone wants to talk about. (So, naturally, I had to blog about it because originality!)
But here’s what I’ve got to say.
I no longer can comprehend or want to deal with or have any longing to be a part of your frigid, frigid winters, Midwest USA!! No sirree, Bob! Thankyouverymuch!
Highs in the 40s and lows in the 20s is just about all this girl can take anymore. Going up north for Christmas this year, my skin totally freaked out and dried up to the point I was scared it was all going to shed off. I kid you not. It is currently 40 degrees outside my house and I sit here in my recliner with socks AND slippers on my feet, a quilt over my legs and my heaviest sweatshirt on and I’M TOTALLY FINE WITH IT! Just don’t ask me to leave my house for the rest of the day.
I want absolutely no part of negative-degree temperatures. Whether it’s -5 or -20, does it really matter? Either way, your eyelashes become icicles and you lose feeling in your toes. It’s like the opposite of summer down here in Florida! Whether is 99 or 104, you’re not going to find me melting to the sidewalk if I can help it!
So let me just close by saying all you Iowans, Illinoisans, Minnesotans, New Englanders, Virginians, Indianans (yeah, I don’t know if that’s the right way to say that or not)… I feel for you. From the bottom of my thin-blooded heart, you have my sympathy and the use of my guest room should you need to thaw out. God bless you for putting up with this crap! Because I sure don’t think I could do it anymore!
1 thought on “Baby, It’s (freaking) COLD Outside!”
It is so nice to hear someone else express exactly how I feel. And thank you for the laugh about shedding your skin. I know it isn’t funny, but I go through a bazillion tubes of body lotion when I go to Ohio in the winter. Ugh!!!
I, too, feel horrible for my kids and relations up North. Thank goodness I am not there!!