Y’all, I’ve got it. The newest, most scientifically advanced, confidence-boosting, fat-busting exercise program you’ve ever seen. It’ll help you lose weight, sleep better, and take away your joint pain. Guaranteed! Your hair will be shinier, your skin clearer, and your children less annoying. And here’s the best part — it only takes paying a monthly subscription fee of anywhere from $10-$85/month, buying food that your family won’t eat, and working out for 15-90 minutes each and every day!
Who’s with me?!?! LET’S DO THIS!!
Wait, nobody? Hmmmmmm.
Yeah, now that you mention it, it does sound kind of dumb, huh? Too good to be true and too familiar all at the same time, right?
What’s in a name?
Why, in the name of everything holy, do seemingly ALL exercise programs have such stupid names? Just think about it…
Bikini Body Mommy
BBG (Bikini Body Guide)
All of these platforms seem to assume — and insinuate — several things. First, that the only reason anyone would want to exercise would be to go to the beach. Second, that the only acceptable form of bathing suit is a bikini. Third, that the only way to possibly get your body ready to put on that bikini and head to said beach is to kill yourself with these programs.
Or what about these that you have to sound angry to even say? (Try it! It’ll be more fun if you say them like you’re the announcer at Monster Jam!)
If it makes me sad or angry just to say it, why in the world would I want to do it?
This is what I want.
So, here’s what I really want out of an exercise program.
- I want to move my body in a way that feels good at the time and won’t make me feel like an 85 year-old the next morning.
- I want it to take no longer than 40 minutes, but no less than 25. Let’s be real, I don’t have all day but I want it to feel like I’ve actually done something.
- I’d rather not leave my house to do it. Except on the days that I would actually like to get out of the house, in which case I’d like the program to instinctively know that.
- I’d like to use all of the parts of my body with every workout so that I’m not left with useless limbs the next day.
- There should be a variety of videos available. I don’t want to have to do the same 7 ones over and over again, ad nauseum ad infinitum.
- Everyone in the videos should be actually doing the workout. The whole workout. Not just one rep and then wandering around pointing at people’s muscles while spewing motivational cliches.
- And, ideally, I’d like it to be free. Now, I get it. People work hard to put these together and they should be able to make some money from that hard work. I’m just cheap, that’s all.
This is what I don’t want.
Here’s what turns me off about exercise programs:
- Shiny people who wear full faces of make-up and don’t appear to actually sweat.
- Instructors who tell me to “get mad at” my body, my fat, myself in any way, shape, or form. I don’t need reminders about that. I can do that all on my own, thanks.
- Stupid background music.
- “Modifiers” – you know what I’m talking about. They’re the people in the videos who are either bigger or older than anyone else. Or, if they’t not, then they look either pissed off or condescending about being the ones to show people how they can make things “easier.”
I mean really. Is that too much to ask?
This is Your Body Now!
All of that to say, I guess, is “Where is Richard Simmons and why can’t we all just Sweat to the Oldies anymore?” Just kidding! I don’t have a functioning VCR (or DVD player for that matter), so that won’t work. So this is what I’m going to do. It’s slightly out-there, totally unheard of, and a bit helter-skelter, but hear me out.
Are you ready?
I’m not going to just follow one program. I’m gonna make my own! And it’s going to be called “This is Your Body Now!”
Boom! There, I said it! I’m going to go totally rogue and do my own thing. In TIYBN, there will be walking days, yoga days, days where I go old school and do things like squats and lunges and tricep dips. There will be days where my exercise will consist of pulling weeds or mopping the floors. Some days I’ll stay at home and some days I’ll go to the gym for nothing but a change of scenery. And, yes, there will even be days that I do absolutely nothing at all.
But wait – there’s more!
There’s even a nutrition program that goes along with TIYBN! It’s called “This is What Your Body Eats Now”! Weekly menus include but aren’t limited to:
- More fiber, because being regular in your 40s ain’t what it used to be.
- All-chemical coffee creamer — you know, the only kind that actually tastes good.
- Less red meat because now we have to think about our cholesterol and stuff.
- Leftovers off our kids’ plates because life.
- A nightly glass of wine or square of Dove dark chocolate (or 4) to help us emotionally deal with life because teenagers and jobs and bills and parents and everything else.
So, come one, ladies! What are you waiting for? Join me and the growing TIYBN Nation (because everything is a nation now, isn’t it?). It doesn’t have to cost a thing.
Let’s say that we have beach bodies simply by taking our bodies to the beach wearing whatever the hell kind of bathing suit we like. Let’s move our bodies in the ways we actually enjoy, the ways that we want to move them without killing ourselves in the process. And let’s eat good food — stuff that tastes good, is good for us, with not too much crap — and enjoy every bite.
After all, for better or for worse, these really ARE our bodies now. And we only get one. We might as well love them and take care of them while we can.